Take This
by JAT.NJ
Summary: A Lee.Kara songfic set to 'Take This' by Staind


A Lee/Kara song fic to Staind's "Take This"

**- Take This**

**I can't believe how far I've gone.**

**Now watch me stumble and come undone.**

He lost her. She put up with his scrutiny and his judgment of her for years but their last fight, over her latest 'casual frak,' Samuel T. Anders, was the most hurtful and brutal of all of them. And it was the last straw. She went off and married Sam to spite him, then resigned her commission on the Galactica and moved to New Caprica to start a new life with her new husband.

A life that doesn't include him.

He feels like Kara has torn out his heart and left him to bleed to death. He walks around the Pegasus without purpose. He eats more, fraks Dee more just to get Kara out of his mind. He drinks until he passes out so he won't dream about her. He has become an ineffectual leader, worse than Colonel Tigh, and he doesn't care.

**If you take away these memories, **

**Then all that's left is just me.**

He and Kara had become fast friends once Zak had introduced them to each other. He felt comfortable around Kara. He talked to her about things he could never talk about with the girls he dated. He laughed easily around her. She didn't expect anything from him, leaving him free to be himself.

They jogged together, studied together and flew together. Their flying had earned them legendary status in the fleet academy. Young pilots looked at them in awe.

They were 'Starbuck and Apollo.' Inseparable and invincible.

All that happened again on the Galactica, after the worlds ended. She was there and they were together again. They were fighting together, flying together, watching each others backs, and earning their reputations as the best pilots in the fleet. They were spending more time together, becoming closer than they ever had been.

They were falling in love. Or at least he thought so, until Colonial Day. He doesn't like to remember what happened after Baltar cut in on their dance.

He likes to remember the way she tasted when he kissed her after she returned from Caprica the first time. He likes to remember the way she laid her head on his shoulder and placed her hand on his chest after they had shot the window out in the firing range, when the Cylon virus tried to suffocate them. He likes to remember the heat between them the last time she kissed him. Before she left him for good.

He holds on to those memories. Because without Starbuck, he's not Apollo. He's just Lee Adama. And Lee Adama isn't anyone special.

'**Cause I don't want this.**

**And I don't need this. **

**And I don't feel this.**

**It seems that even though she's with me, I can't shake this.**

**And I can't fake this.**

**And I won't take this anymore.**

So he throws himself into a relationship with Anastasia Dualla. He marries her and has her transferred to the Pegasus. When he fraks her, he forces himself to open his eyes and call out her name when he comes. Otherwise he's liable to call out Kara's name. Because that's who he pretends to be with when his eyes are closed.

Because despite Dee's presence and his self destructive 'therapy,' Kara still haunts him. She smiles at him from behind the podium in the pilots ready room. She winks at him over her hand at a triad game in the hangar deck. Even though she's miles away on the surface of a planet they've settled for instead of Earth.

Dee has unofficially taken command of the Pegasus because he's drunk almost all the time now, but the alcohol won't purge his demon, Kara.

So he stops. If he can't run from her, he's going to turn and face her.

**So you choose to break my heart.**

**I've should have seen this from the start.**

He never claimed her.

He asked her to dance on Colonial Day, just like she desperately wanted him to then he had let Baltar cut in, because it was the gentlemanly thing to do. A gesture befitting his rank and position. But he never claimed her back. He had just walked away. She wanted Lee that night, but made do with what she had. And somehow, Lee had found out. And he called her a slut. That had hurt her more than his fist in her face.

He never came after her.

The night they had gotten drunk together, when Scar was plaguing the fleet and killing their pilots, felt like old times. They were able to talk to each other without the tension. Without hurting each other. Then the alcohol and her libido had taken over and she kissed him. And so much more. And he had wanted her. Then Sam flashed in her mind and she pushed Lee away and walked out. He never came after her. He mustn't have thought she was worth the effort. That _she_ was just a quick lay.

**I'm haunted by your apathy. **

**All that's left, is killing me.**

He knew her plan to jump the raider to the cylon base ship might get her killed but he let her go anyway. She asked if he would care if she died. He told her he needed every pilot, even the screw ups, then turned and walked away.

She tried to apologize for going behind his back and taking her plan to Tigh first, but he wouldn't accept it.

He let her go back to Caprica, knowing she was going back for another man. He didn't try to fight for her then either. She could only come to one conclusion. He didn't want her._  
_

So she left him.

'**Cause I don't want this.**

**And I don't need this. **

**And I don't feel this.**

**It seems that even though (he's) with me, I can't shake this.**

**And I can't fake this.**

**And I won't take this anymore.**

Physically, they were closer than ever, but emotionally, they were galaxies apart.

The camaraderie they used to have was gone. He was always mad at her. Always yelling at her. Always calling her a screw up. He hated that she was a better pilot than him. A better shot than him and better at triad than him. He hated that she could buck authority and get away with it.

He hated her.

Yet, she found herself stealing glimpses at him in the bunk room. Often she caught herself reaching out to touch him, but pulled her hand back at the last minute, afraid of the retribution. Instead, in private, she would touch herself, and pretend it was him.

Laura Roslin had given her an escape. Retrieve the Arrow of Apollo back on Caprica. She took the assignment, not because she believed in the prophecies, but to get away from Lee Adama.

And forget about him.

Until she was back in the fleet and Lee's arms were around her and his lips were on hers, his anger at her suddenly gone.

But by then she had found Samuel Anders, with his dark hair and blues eyes and strong arms that were so much like Lee's. But with an easy manner and quick laugh that were not. It was easy to fall in love with him.

She decided she liked easy.

**You believe that the way you choose to be.**

**I've always had to see**

**The brighter side of this so I don't lose my faith.**

How can one person make you feel so wonderful when they're near you and so miserable when they're not? It has to be love.

He smiles as he forms the thought. _I love Kara Thrace._

He makes it his silent mantra.

And he starts working out again. He stops drinking. He stops frakking Dee. He tells her he cares about her, thanks her for being there for him, but tells her that their marriage is a farce. She cries a lot but when he doesn't break, she throws her wedding ring at him and storms out. She transfers back to Galactica and takes over Gaeta's old job.

When he gets a dispatch saying their wedding bans were dissolved, he smiles and packs his duffle.

**Now the sun has gone away.**

**It's getting colder every day.**

**So before I freeze to death there's something I should say.**

Kara can't get warm. It's not just the damp chill of the planet. It goes deeper than that. She feels empty.

The longer she's away from Lee, the emptier and colder she feels.

She needs to get back to the fleet.

'**Cause I don't want this.**

**And I don't need this. **

**And I don't feel this.**

**It seems that even though (he's) with me, I can't shake this.**

**And I can't fake this.**

**And I won't take this.**

Anders is wonderful. He accepts her as she is and never holds her short comings against her. He never challenges her, never argues with her.

Like Lee did.

Loving Anders is easy. But Kara's realizing she doesn't like easy as much as she thought she did. She misses the challenge of Lee. He always pushed her to be a better person, and she wanted to be a better person. For him.

She loves Lee Adama. She's going to embrace that thought from now on instead of pushing it away. Even though he belongs to Dee, she can still be close to him.

Samuel is sleeping when she leaves, so she leaves him a note. She's sorry to hurt him but she made a mistake leaving the fleet and she's going back. She doesn't expect him to follow her. She knows he hates to be cooped up. She hopes he'll be happy someday.

**And though you say you understand you still won't face this.**

**Can't erase this.**

**I won't embrace this anymore.**

She's waiting for the raptor to take her back to Galactica. She's decided not to go directly to Pegasus. She'll start slow, like seeing the Old Man first, maybe feel him out about Lee before she actually lets him know she's back. She's afraid he hasn't forgiven her yet.

But then the raptor lands and he steps off it. He looks right at her, his eyes intense, and she can't tell if its anger she sees in them.

He walks directly up to her and drops his duffle at his feet.

"Where are you going?" He asks.

"Back to Galactica." She replies. "To rejoin the fleet."

"Back to Galactica." He repeats and she nods. "Not Pegasus."

"I didn't think…."

"No, you didn't think. You never think, Kara." He says. "Where's Sam?"

She shakes her head. "He's staying here. It didn't work out."

He nods in understanding and his look softens. "So, are we done fighting?"

She nods.

"If you come back to the fleet, you come back to the Pegasus, is that clear?"

She nods again.

"No more fighting?" He asks.

"No more fighting." She repeats.

"Because I love you."

"Because you.." She realizes what he said and stops. "What?"

"I love you, Kara."

She reaches up and kisses him. When they finally break apart, he puts his arm around her waist and leads her back to the raptor.

"We're going to have a lot of work to do." She says as she leans her head on his shoulder.


End file.
